To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1.  At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow down. 
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice! 
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that. 
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ‘For Marijuana.’
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. 
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 
9. Sing Along At The Opera. 
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache. 
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!' 
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!' 
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'  And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity 
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM  IS.

Recruiting any and all pilots

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. 

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. 

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" 

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!" 
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" 

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?" 

The young man says, "I chop wood!" 

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?" 

"I chop wood!" 

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!" 

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!" 

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!" 

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!